It's been a while since I posted, and by a while I mean a couple months. Before I left Thailand I tweaked the format and description of my blog because I wanted it to be something I continued no matter where I was. Originally I created this blog to cover my time in Thailand, but after a few posts I knew it was something I wanted to continue beyond the borders of that land. I made outlines and timelines and bulleted lists of all of the things I could write about and when I would do so after my feet hit US soil. Reflections, stories, and new adventures I could take and would then share. I created a writing schedule, that I obviously have not followed, in hopes of having something worth saying. Then I got back. I have spent the last 3 months in reentry trying to come up with something to write about only to end up staring at the wall because I have felt like I have had nothing to say. I couldn't write about new things until I was done processing old things. I would spend four weeks tops in transition and going through the "reentry phase" and then I would move on with my life. Except, that is not how it works. That is not reality.
The reality is that nothing prepares you for transition or how reentry will look for you. I knew that reentry would be difficult. That is one thing that people kept telling me over and over. They kept saying that it would be difficult, that people wouldn't understand, and the transition would take time. I was well aware of the fact that reentry is not typically a fun and relaxing process. Yet, I kept telling myself that I had only been gone six months and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I could slip back into my life as my former self, ignoring the fact that I wasn't even returning to the same state I had left. The thing people can't prepare you for is how long reenty will take, what kind of difficult it will, how you will respond to it, how the people in your life will respond and treat you, or how the new you will fit into your old life.
For the first little bit after returning to the States I was out of it. Mostly because I was tired and jet lagged. Then the jet lag subsided and I was still out of it. I think it is near impossible to ever adequately prepare for life in the states. I was told that reverse culture shock is a thing and that often times it's worse coming back than it is leaving. It is. It really is. I think reverse culture shock is more difficult because you have this idea of how the culture works, who you're supposed to be in this culture based upon who you were before you left, how your relationships with you friends, family members, and acquaintances function, and what your role is here.
The thing is that you're not who you think you are. You can't come back and fit into the role you held as your former self because that's just it, the role was held by your former self. Not your present self. You will come back from living and serving in another country a different person; and not the emotional high different person after youth camp, but a permanently different person. Living in a place you've never been before and doing things you've never done before will shape and change you. It will change the way you view and treat other people, it will change the your opinions on everything from food to politics, it will change the way you interact with people and the words you choose to use when you speak. You will have formed new routines, new relationships and friendships, you will have new and life changing experiences, and you will have completely fallen in love with a new land and culture and you will have created a new life and home for yourself; and all of these things and people will profoundly influence and shape who you are. As frustrating and confusing it will be you will not fit the mold you held when you left no matter how hard you try, but it's okay. If you're finding yourself in this position give yourself time. I kept telling myself that it shouldn't take this long to transition because I was only gone for x amount of time. Get over it. Well, it doesn't work like that. I am still in transition and reentry and guess what...I hear it can take months, a couple years even. Do not set a time limit for yourself to "get back to normal" because you probably never will anyway. An a sweet wonderful friend, who had been through this very process many times, told me this, "No place will ever feel quite like home ever again, and that is perfectly okay." So, don't rush yourself or get angry and frustrated with yourself because you don't feel right. It's okay to feel out of it sometimes. If you need to cry then cry, read books, do art, take walks, talk to your friends, family, pastors, fellow transitioners, or even a counselor if you need to. Heck, I got a puppy so I could have someone to transition with. Someone who was just as confused by his surroundings as I was. Having him as really helped me deal with some of what I've been feeling and facing; and we've bonded splendidly and turns out we're kind of a perfect match. That being said I have always wanted a puppy and been a dog person...so maybe don't decide a pet will help if you have hated animals for all of your previous lifetime.
Your previous relationships will not function like they used to either. Again they functioned with the former you at the helm. Now the present you has to relate to people who only know former you. Granted you're not an entirely different person. I didn't come back from Thailand hating all of the music, movies, and hobbies I enjoyed before. I didn't cut off communication with my friends and family. I didn't become a party animal or switch religions or suddenly stop wanting the approval of those closest to me. I still like cows, moose, IHOP, and Buffy. None of those things changed. The fact remains though that I did change. They changed. I had experiences, travels, revelations, and lifestyle changes that they didn't have. I saw things and had things happen to me that I can't explain or get anyone to understand. There were profound and deep adjustments that occurred in the core of my being that cannot be properly explained or understood unless also witnessed and experienced. By the same token life in America did not halt in my absence. My family and friends went on living their lives and they changed too. They quit and started jobs, made new friends, entered into relationships, married, had birthdays, had children, faced trials and victories just as I did. Things happened in their lives that I don't understand entirely either. They tell me stories that I have no context for the same way they don't have context for mine. None of the change is wrong. No one is at fault for changing. Life dictates that we either grow and change or we die. Plain and simple. Maybe I changed more because I left, or maybe I didn't, point is everyone changed. The reason we never noticed the change before is because we were changing together; same place and same rate. This time that's not the case. It's no one's fault and it's not a bad thing. Here's the truth all relationships; friendships, romantic, and with family take work. They take effort. It might take a little more effort for a while, again that's okay. It will be frustrating, on both ends of the relationship, but don't get angry. There will be opportunity on both sides for anger and resentment. There will be chances to point our whom left whom, who changed the most, who is or isn't putting in effort to understand the other person, who doesn't communicate well, who shuts down under stress and trial (hey), who pushes too much, who doesn't push enough, and on and on. Don't give in to those moments. Don't stop working at it. Yes, it takes time. Don't force it. Be honest with them and yourself. But, don't give up. Be conscientious of each other and how the other person feels. Communicate how you feel with your friends and allow them to discuss how they feel. If you don't talk about the reality of what's going on you will feel disconnected, unwanted, incapable, in the way, depressed, and unsure of yourself. I did. I was having trouble connecting with people when I had never had trouble before. I was sure that I was losing friendships that meant more to me than anything in the world. Sometimes it felt like the people I was closest to, the people that knew me better than anyone else on the planet, were the people I was having trouble connecting with the most. It was probably because we went from knowing each other inside and out to not having that and it was and is a little uncertain and scary. The point is you don't have to shut down or shut yourself off. It takes work but it's worth it and the best thing you can do is talk about it. Ignoring it will only make it worse. The thing that helped me the most was having someone willing to sit with me and have the honest conversation about the fact that we weren't connecting, about the fact that things did feel strained and wrong. To admit that we were having problems in our friendship, because of the change, and we didn't know what to do about. I was able to express what I felt and why I felt it. To express that I didn't want to give up or throw away a friendship, but I wasn't sure what to do to make it better. Realizing that I wasn't the only one feeling like this and recognizing it helped in ways I can't explain. To have someone be honest and open about it and yet to say I won't throw away this friendship because it's hard and we can figure out how to work through it is valuable and a blessing. To have an amazing friend that is willing and able to get real and get messy about the reality of the toll that cross cultural living and reentry can have on a relationship while still being supportive and encouraging is one of God's greatest gifts and you don't throw it away because you're tired, frustrated, and confused. Here's my advice to everyone involved in the reentry process, whether your own or someone elses, do not give up, do not give into anger, and be honest and open in your communication. Your best friend doesn't just stop being your best friend, you sister doesn't just stop being your sister, and your accountability partner doesn't just stop being your accountability partner unless you walk away from the relationship (even then your sister is still legally and probably biologically your sister). Those relationships are worth the effort. Trust me.
Regardless of how long you've been in reentry, when you'll be in reentry, or if it's even you; maybe you have a friend or family member in reentry, it is a long and messy process. It cannot be forced or rushed. All you can do is try your best. If you're the one in reentry may I recommend this blog post called 8 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Moved Back To The US it really helped me process some things I was feeling and even gave me some nifty exercises to do to help with the processing. When I read it I felt like someone had managed to put all of my confusion and unexplained feelings and fears into a neatly formatted blog post. Once I was able to see everything I couldn't say or explain, even to myself, put into words for me the flood gates opened and I was able to begin really processing things with a better understanding of what I was going through. If someone you know and love is reintegrating back into your home nation allow me to present you with this golden nugget, For Friends and Family of Those Moving Back Home, again a wonderful resource. Everything I can't adequately convey to you in a rather nice typed up post. It may help give you some perspective and understanding of what your person is going through. It may even give you some nifty ways to support and encourage them. No matter where you fall on the reentry spectrum don't give up on yourself or on them, don't get angry because things aren't happening or adjusting as quickly as you think they should, be honest and open in your communication, and try to have a little fun with those you love.
The reality is that nothing prepares you for transition or how reentry will look for you. I knew that reentry would be difficult. That is one thing that people kept telling me over and over. They kept saying that it would be difficult, that people wouldn't understand, and the transition would take time. I was well aware of the fact that reentry is not typically a fun and relaxing process. Yet, I kept telling myself that I had only been gone six months and somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I could slip back into my life as my former self, ignoring the fact that I wasn't even returning to the same state I had left. The thing people can't prepare you for is how long reenty will take, what kind of difficult it will, how you will respond to it, how the people in your life will respond and treat you, or how the new you will fit into your old life.
For the first little bit after returning to the States I was out of it. Mostly because I was tired and jet lagged. Then the jet lag subsided and I was still out of it. I think it is near impossible to ever adequately prepare for life in the states. I was told that reverse culture shock is a thing and that often times it's worse coming back than it is leaving. It is. It really is. I think reverse culture shock is more difficult because you have this idea of how the culture works, who you're supposed to be in this culture based upon who you were before you left, how your relationships with you friends, family members, and acquaintances function, and what your role is here.
The thing is that you're not who you think you are. You can't come back and fit into the role you held as your former self because that's just it, the role was held by your former self. Not your present self. You will come back from living and serving in another country a different person; and not the emotional high different person after youth camp, but a permanently different person. Living in a place you've never been before and doing things you've never done before will shape and change you. It will change the way you view and treat other people, it will change the your opinions on everything from food to politics, it will change the way you interact with people and the words you choose to use when you speak. You will have formed new routines, new relationships and friendships, you will have new and life changing experiences, and you will have completely fallen in love with a new land and culture and you will have created a new life and home for yourself; and all of these things and people will profoundly influence and shape who you are. As frustrating and confusing it will be you will not fit the mold you held when you left no matter how hard you try, but it's okay. If you're finding yourself in this position give yourself time. I kept telling myself that it shouldn't take this long to transition because I was only gone for x amount of time. Get over it. Well, it doesn't work like that. I am still in transition and reentry and guess what...I hear it can take months, a couple years even. Do not set a time limit for yourself to "get back to normal" because you probably never will anyway. An a sweet wonderful friend, who had been through this very process many times, told me this, "No place will ever feel quite like home ever again, and that is perfectly okay." So, don't rush yourself or get angry and frustrated with yourself because you don't feel right. It's okay to feel out of it sometimes. If you need to cry then cry, read books, do art, take walks, talk to your friends, family, pastors, fellow transitioners, or even a counselor if you need to. Heck, I got a puppy so I could have someone to transition with. Someone who was just as confused by his surroundings as I was. Having him as really helped me deal with some of what I've been feeling and facing; and we've bonded splendidly and turns out we're kind of a perfect match. That being said I have always wanted a puppy and been a dog person...so maybe don't decide a pet will help if you have hated animals for all of your previous lifetime.
Your previous relationships will not function like they used to either. Again they functioned with the former you at the helm. Now the present you has to relate to people who only know former you. Granted you're not an entirely different person. I didn't come back from Thailand hating all of the music, movies, and hobbies I enjoyed before. I didn't cut off communication with my friends and family. I didn't become a party animal or switch religions or suddenly stop wanting the approval of those closest to me. I still like cows, moose, IHOP, and Buffy. None of those things changed. The fact remains though that I did change. They changed. I had experiences, travels, revelations, and lifestyle changes that they didn't have. I saw things and had things happen to me that I can't explain or get anyone to understand. There were profound and deep adjustments that occurred in the core of my being that cannot be properly explained or understood unless also witnessed and experienced. By the same token life in America did not halt in my absence. My family and friends went on living their lives and they changed too. They quit and started jobs, made new friends, entered into relationships, married, had birthdays, had children, faced trials and victories just as I did. Things happened in their lives that I don't understand entirely either. They tell me stories that I have no context for the same way they don't have context for mine. None of the change is wrong. No one is at fault for changing. Life dictates that we either grow and change or we die. Plain and simple. Maybe I changed more because I left, or maybe I didn't, point is everyone changed. The reason we never noticed the change before is because we were changing together; same place and same rate. This time that's not the case. It's no one's fault and it's not a bad thing. Here's the truth all relationships; friendships, romantic, and with family take work. They take effort. It might take a little more effort for a while, again that's okay. It will be frustrating, on both ends of the relationship, but don't get angry. There will be opportunity on both sides for anger and resentment. There will be chances to point our whom left whom, who changed the most, who is or isn't putting in effort to understand the other person, who doesn't communicate well, who shuts down under stress and trial (hey), who pushes too much, who doesn't push enough, and on and on. Don't give in to those moments. Don't stop working at it. Yes, it takes time. Don't force it. Be honest with them and yourself. But, don't give up. Be conscientious of each other and how the other person feels. Communicate how you feel with your friends and allow them to discuss how they feel. If you don't talk about the reality of what's going on you will feel disconnected, unwanted, incapable, in the way, depressed, and unsure of yourself. I did. I was having trouble connecting with people when I had never had trouble before. I was sure that I was losing friendships that meant more to me than anything in the world. Sometimes it felt like the people I was closest to, the people that knew me better than anyone else on the planet, were the people I was having trouble connecting with the most. It was probably because we went from knowing each other inside and out to not having that and it was and is a little uncertain and scary. The point is you don't have to shut down or shut yourself off. It takes work but it's worth it and the best thing you can do is talk about it. Ignoring it will only make it worse. The thing that helped me the most was having someone willing to sit with me and have the honest conversation about the fact that we weren't connecting, about the fact that things did feel strained and wrong. To admit that we were having problems in our friendship, because of the change, and we didn't know what to do about. I was able to express what I felt and why I felt it. To express that I didn't want to give up or throw away a friendship, but I wasn't sure what to do to make it better. Realizing that I wasn't the only one feeling like this and recognizing it helped in ways I can't explain. To have someone be honest and open about it and yet to say I won't throw away this friendship because it's hard and we can figure out how to work through it is valuable and a blessing. To have an amazing friend that is willing and able to get real and get messy about the reality of the toll that cross cultural living and reentry can have on a relationship while still being supportive and encouraging is one of God's greatest gifts and you don't throw it away because you're tired, frustrated, and confused. Here's my advice to everyone involved in the reentry process, whether your own or someone elses, do not give up, do not give into anger, and be honest and open in your communication. Your best friend doesn't just stop being your best friend, you sister doesn't just stop being your sister, and your accountability partner doesn't just stop being your accountability partner unless you walk away from the relationship (even then your sister is still legally and probably biologically your sister). Those relationships are worth the effort. Trust me.
Regardless of how long you've been in reentry, when you'll be in reentry, or if it's even you; maybe you have a friend or family member in reentry, it is a long and messy process. It cannot be forced or rushed. All you can do is try your best. If you're the one in reentry may I recommend this blog post called 8 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Moved Back To The US it really helped me process some things I was feeling and even gave me some nifty exercises to do to help with the processing. When I read it I felt like someone had managed to put all of my confusion and unexplained feelings and fears into a neatly formatted blog post. Once I was able to see everything I couldn't say or explain, even to myself, put into words for me the flood gates opened and I was able to begin really processing things with a better understanding of what I was going through. If someone you know and love is reintegrating back into your home nation allow me to present you with this golden nugget, For Friends and Family of Those Moving Back Home, again a wonderful resource. Everything I can't adequately convey to you in a rather nice typed up post. It may help give you some perspective and understanding of what your person is going through. It may even give you some nifty ways to support and encourage them. No matter where you fall on the reentry spectrum don't give up on yourself or on them, don't get angry because things aren't happening or adjusting as quickly as you think they should, be honest and open in your communication, and try to have a little fun with those you love.
Comments
Post a Comment